Move, Move, Move

How do you expect a thing to move
in your constant white-knuckle grip?

Loosen up a bit (your joints may creak),
soften your hold and your expectations.

Feel first just the pulse as life eases back in,
then sure, steady waves get to rolling.

Let it all go as the force of the flow
carries you there without trying.

Right where you need to be.

Patience

"Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full..." ~ Rumi 

Three times in as many days I've sat down to write, and patience was the always the theme that came to me. I've felt like I've been endlessly patient these last few months, and that my patience has been tested time and again, and that I was growing very weary of the waiting. But I just couldn't get what I was feeling into words, and it seemed like I had it all wrong on the page and in my heart. Because I wasn't feeling patient at all, even if I was acting like it. I was struggling with the pull of wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, to be further down the road, to be past some of the big hurdles looming and on into whatever comes next. Then this morning I saw this Rumi quote and it turned me right around. It reminded me there is beauty and love in every moment, and I need to take them as they come instead of longing for the next. Rushing or forcing things to happen is futile, resisting what is keeps peace at bay. Everything is as it should be right now in this moment, and everything will unfold as it is meant to. All I need to do is love what is. 

i hear you

love needs no sound
to be heard
in the heart
of another.

open hearts connect
in thundering silence.

let it flow into
your every curve,
let it shine
from every angle.

live your life
lit up in love
and the whole world
will hear.

Everyday Miracles

I am amazed by the
everyday miracles
piling up around me.

Slivers of magic,
flecks of gold,
droplets of light
raining down,
spilling over my shoulders,
gathering at my feet.

I am grateful for
the abundant gifts
of an open heart.


 

Wait No More

Always waiting,
though there's nothing
to wait for.
All that exists is this moment,
and it's wasted
in the waiting.

Always wondering,
though there's nothing
to know.
For in the next moment,
nothing will be
as you knew it anyway.

It is true that you only have
one life.
But it is more true that you only have
one moment.
This one.

No more are promised.
Be grateful as they come.
Trust they are just as they should be.
Light them up with love.

You make your life
by making the most
of your moments.

Wait no more.
Wonder no more.
Now is your moment,
now is your life.

Before the Dawn

Waking in the early morning darkness
there was a moment, or even a few,
of pure, glorious nothingness.

It disappeared the moment I noticed it,
my once-empty mind now pondering
its own momentary stillness.
But observations were calm and quiet,
and space remained
in my heart and in my gut.

No pain, no ache, no knots.
Anxiety, longing, clinging...all absent
from their usual resting places within.

Peace.

Even as consciousness continued to build
I found nothing more than strength and ease.
The morning felt miraculous, as every morning is,
if we care to notice.

Stillness within the storm,
calm despite the chaos,
Love prevailing over it all.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hold Your Seat

I am not who I once was.
It is obvious and fascinating.

Never before would I have taken such pause
in the face of hurt and anger.
Words would have lashed out wildly,
the resulting moment of self-righteousness
followed swiftly by regret.

A different path, this time.
Choosing to hold my seat
rather than react, to take a hard look
at what was burning in me and why.
Pushing up against the discomfort,
feeling it rather than fighting it.

Almost as soon as I welcomed it,
it melted away. And there it was,
a taste of the equanimity
I am learning to cultivate.

Tonight I am grateful to simply observe
the nature of my own humanity
without judgement.

There is so much to be seen
if we are only willing to look.

From the Lookout

My dreams are vast tonight
though I've yet to close my eyes.

Stretching out before me
are the peaks and valleys
of a life well lived.

Mountains of experience
born of chances taken
and boundaries pushed -
that inner voice, followed.

Images rolling by, a cold mountain
stream of stories tumbling
through time, and just as clear.

A calm mind and a full heart
declare destiny, not fantasy,
and all will be familiar
when these moments come to pass.

"Welcome back," they'll whisper.
"Welcome home.
We always knew you'd come."

La Bella Luna

Such comfort
in the moon tonight.
She offers wisdom
without fail.

Round and full
or a sliver of herself,
elegant and luminous
or obscured by clouds,
every variation of her being
is of equal value.

Steady she goes
through the constant cycles,
change in every moment,
and yet always right where
she should be.

A valuable lesson learned
with a simple skyward gaze.

I am ever grateful to be learning.

Listen To The Mustn'ts

The boys were afraid of the storms tonight, so we retreated to the basement and spent most of the evening delighting in several Shel Silverstein books my grandparents gave me as a young girl. One has a "happy birthday" inscription with hopes that I'll enjoy the book throughout my life. I certainly have, and still am more than 25 years later.

One poem we came across didn't spark childhood memories like so many others, but it gave me pause tonight. I plan to read it to these little people again and again, with hopes that it might find a place in their ever-expanding minds, and reappear throughout their lives as a reminder that even when life gets stormy, there is nothing to be afraid of. Because anything can be.

Listen To The Mustn'ts

Listen to the Mustn'ts, child,
Listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts,
The Impossibles, the Wont's.
Listen to the Never Haves
Then listen close to me-
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

The Calm and The Quiet

I could lie here
all night
and never tire
of the warm air
and hazy moon glow
and most of all
the calm and the quiet
within.

The calm that has
eluded me for ages,
now nestled snug behind
my breastbone,
tucked in and feeling
right at home.

The quiet my mind
had all but forgotten-
no spinning, no reeling,
just stillness and light
behind my eyes.

This very moment
feels good, for once.
Grateful, I'll stay while I can.
Tomorrow? I thought of it.
And then I let it go.

I'll lead with my heart when I get there.

Not Tonight

I'm here
and I want to write.

To put to words
the endless thoughts
swirling around
and through me
as darkness falls.

But my favorite ritual
of rearranging letters
and sounds to suit
the moment
is failing me.

It's no use,
the usual sorting
of syllables that so often
brings me back
to the here and now.

My compass points North tonight.
The needle unwavering.

So be it.

June 19th At Dusk

Front porch sittin'
Beer bottle sweatin' (ain't we all...)
Tides a-turnin'

Just me, here, in the dark,
that I can see, anyway.

But if I listen, there's me
and all the people closed up
in their little boxes all around,
air conditioners hummin' away.
There's them, too.

Oh, then there's me and that whip-poor-will
up there on the bluff, in the woods to the south.
He really, really knows what he wants.
I'd like to ask him how he's so sure of himself.
There's him, too.

And if I listen even a bit more closely,
well, there's me and my heart.
When it screams I don't listen, but
tonight it whispers and I can hear.
There's that, too.

Just me and them,
him and that,
front porch sittin'
beer bottle sweatin'
tides a-turnin'.

Be Where You Are

There is nothing more than this.

Don't wish away this stretch of road
even though the stones are sharp underfoot
and sand in the wind stings your eyes.

Feel the ache as you would the joy
for this is living. Savor the moment
for this, too, shall pass.

Some day the path may curve
and there may be lush grass underfoot
and sunlight in your eyes.

And you'll feel the joy as you did the ache
for this, too, is living,
yet this, too, shall pass.

But here, now, is as it is,
and no good comes from
dreaming of soft grass and warm sunlight.

Now is a time of sharp stones and sand,
and that is simply as it is meant to be for now.

Nothing to do but take it all in in as it comes.
Nothing to wait for, nothing to wish away.

There is nothing more than this.

Heat

Anger doesn't suit me.
Or serve me, or solve a thing.
But when that fire rises in my throat
and burns on my tongue,
sparks flying from my lips,
it is difficult to douse.
This day is so goddamned hot,
like the devil himself is
breathing down my neck.
Mind and body engulfed in flames,
cool detachment just out of reach.
Before long, a pile of ash.
Sweep it away.

A Gentle Reminder

"Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth." -Pema Chodron

Face your fears, find your freedom.

Tell the Truth

Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth...

Seems simple enough.
It's not.
But I'm learning it's vital
if I am to make anything real
out of this life.

See, here's the thing,
the thing about this Truth.
You cannot escape it.

You can try and hide from it.
You can pretend it doesn't exist.
Let me tell you, you can damn near
kill yourself trying to shut it away.

But the truth will return
and return
and return.
Sometimes a tap on the shoulder,
sometimes a slap in the face.

It is relentless in its quest
to wake you up
to the life you are meant to live
with an abundance of joy and appreciation.
It pries at the death-grip you have
on the life you're barely holding together
with guilt and shoulds and fear.

Your truth is yours and yours alone.
It matters not what others think of it.
It is sacred and only by honoring it
can you truly be alive and serve your purpose.

No more running. No more hiding.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
The truth is a gift. A light for your path.
Let the journey begin, again and again and again.

The Good News

A stolen quiet moment
this morning.
Just what I needed
before stepping out
into this day, this life.

Everything is unknown,
and today that feels just fine.
Take it as it comes,
bend and sway with
the winds of change.

Find calm in remembering
the words of a wise woman:
"Life never turns out like we planned.
And that, my friends, is the good news."

It Simply Is

It is what it is.

Everything is just that,
no more, no less.


Right or wrong,
good or bad,
these are only
futile judgements
of what simply is.

Every moment
there is a choice to
struggle or surrender.


Moment after moment,
ever changing,
around and around we go.

More Than the Moon

I thought it hopeless tonight.
Impenetrable clouds promised
to keep me from sharing in
your meaningful moments.

Disappointment found its usual perch
upon my ribcage,
settling into the well-worn hollow.

Just when I gave up
a merciful wind raced through
and cleared the skies
and the night was nearly day
and you at the center of it all.

For a moment, then,
there was nothing but
wonder and the tail end
of that wind in my hair.

And I remembered how it felt
to be alive.

And I realized what I
cannot live without.

So I stand tonight with
bare feet, upturned palms, 
heart open as can be,
pleading in words that are not my own:
"Shine on, O moon,
Shake out more and more silver changes."

Tonight

A silent house tonight
save the ticking of the clock
and the rain on the roof

Each second and every drop
precious in their own right
so easily lost in the flood
washed away without a thought

Tonight I'll take note

There is solace in that
which usually goes unnoticed
and in the spaces between
where stillness lies

Up to the Challenge

There are two little blond boys
sharing a chair, a game, and a laugh.
They are the epitome of mindfulness,
and I envy how there is nothing
but this moment for them.

I know I cannot protect them
from the evolution of the mind,
that thoughts of past and future
will come to trouble them soon enough.

But I can vow to teach them as they grow
all that I am learning just now,
of gratitude and compassion and kindness
toward oneself as much as others.

If I can help guide them toward
awareness, acknowledgement, acceptance
of all that is inside and out,
perhaps they will know the peace and satisfaction
of an authentic life, well-lived in truth
to the unique spirits they are.

This is no small feat,
but I am up to the challenge.

It Feels Like Time

It feels like time to come undone.
Time to unravel that which is
wound so tightly it suffocates.
Time to smash the locks
and shake off the chains
that weigh so heavily.
Time to pierce the silence
with deafening sound,
to blow up the darkness
with blinding light.
Time to let go
and fall until I fly.

Just a Stumble

They got away from me this morning,
my thoughts.
One after another they escaped
my close hold,
gaining momentum and
spinning into a swirling frenzy.

From the outside it looks like
any other morning:
coffee, email, pleasantries exchanged.

But inside I'm running and screaming,
knocking things over and
damning them to hell.

Allowing this duplicity feels like
a giant step backward,
a shove in the wrong direction
by my old friend fear.

I'm not interested in backward -
or fear for that matter - or hiding,
or anything other than what is.

So this morning, well,
it's just a stumble.
Pick up, dust off.

Keep moving forward
to the place where what's
inside and outside align.

After all, it's only life.
Might as well live it.

Pay Attention

The universe is reaching out to you.
Have you felt it?
There are energies that guide,
show the way,
offer truth.
They open your world
if you are open to them.

It can happen in the most ordinary of moments.
Something you see or hear that another
wouldn't even notice.
But when it is meant for you
time stops
all the air is sucked away
your heart swells - or maybe sinks -
but the message is loud and clear.
You are being offered a gift.

Call it what you will:
fate, coincidence, synchronicity, intuition.
Once offered it is yours to receive, or not.
But cover your eyes, cover your ears,
cover your heart at your own risk.

There is meaning in the message.

A Rare Calm

Finally, nothing.

The quiet darkness
a welcome salvation
from a dizzying day.

A rare occurrence:
my mind
too exhausted to spin.

Grateful for the reprieve,
I settle easily.
One sweet thought
in my minds eye
stays and stays and stays.

Sleep will come
heavy and full
tonight.

A Fresh Brew

Too often lately
my cup is nearly empty,
the three-day-old sludge
in the bottom makes me
turn my head in disgust.
But enough of this.
Enough ignoring, avoiding,
allowing the stagnant unpleasantness.
Time to reach right into that old mess,
stir it up and wipe it clean.
Time to fill the cup
to the very top
with everything that is deep and rich,
flavorful and filling,
sensual and satisfying.
Fuel for the inner fire
that burns so hot and bright
I can't look away.
Instead I'll drink it all in
and wonder:
"How can this be so good?"

Catching Up

By the looks of this blog, now featuring a multitude of disjointed pieces of writing posted all in one day, you may assume I've just experienced the mother of all mood swings. That is not the case, although it would have been a wild ride!

I set the intention of writing like this a while back, and although I wanted to create a blog I was (and still am) a teensy bit terrified of making my writing public. So I began the project with a more familiar medium: pen and paper. Now that I've bitten the proverbial bullet with the blog format, I wanted to bring my previous writing here as well so it would start at, well, the beginning. (A very good place to start!) I also want future posts to appear on the days they are actually written, hence the "lumping-past-works-into-one-day" strategy. Clever, I know.

One final note I feel compelled to mention: What I write here is not intended to be any sort of formal, well-thought-out, edited, or massaged poetic verse. It is intended to be raw and untouched. My goal is to let whatever is inside pour out in its truest form so I can learn from it. Therefore, you can expect that much of what you read here will be messy and imperfect, because what lies within us usually is.

And that is perfectly okay.

Lessons

I can learn from the trees
at a time like this.
Closed up tight
for the long cold winter,
now beginning to bud
though the air is still cool.
Opening slowly but steadily,
taking a chance,
trusting that warmer days
are close at hand.
Though the transition may be uncomfortable,
they do not hesitate.
It is worth the work,
for without
they would never know the joy
of being completely open,
soaking up everything around them,
head back, arms outstretched,
face tilted skyward.
Unfurled, unabashed,
for all the world to see.

A Reminder

A smoky sunset tonight
as a slow burn crawls
across the prairie.

A low, sharp-edged blackness,
led by a thin yet capable line of flame,
clears the remains of the year passed.

The scene unfolding before us
brings sounds of wonder from
the two bright minds behind me,
and offers a much-needed reminder
for my own weary mind:

with destruction comes creation,
with death, new life.
there is beauty and becoming in the blackness.

Magnetism

There has yet to be a day
where I haven't felt the pull.
Such a struggle to stand straight
and not bend in
toward that point in space
where energies are
constantly colliding.
It pulls across a thousand miles.
It will pull across a thousand years.
How ever will I keep my feet beneath me
when the forces are beyond me?

Turning Toward the Light

Such darkness in the mid-night hours
beckons the darkness of the heart.
Alone in the stillness, except for that familiar ache
that keeps me company much too often.
Searching for answers in the stillness
but afraid that this is it.
This is all there is.
Tears burn hot,
despair widens across my chest.
Staring out the front door
I can't help but wonder
who else is standing on the edge,
desperate to step out into the unknown
but tethered still by fear.
I cannot be the only one.
Perhaps if we all moved together
out past where we've always stood
our momentum could turn the world
just enough to bring us into a gathering light
that would brighten with every step.

Just Keep Moving

Rough morning.
Emotions running high,
intensity picking up speed
like the wheels that carry us.
Physically moving forward,
emotionally grinding to a halt.
Where are we going?
How will we get there?
Uncertainty abounds
and brings fear if I let it,
fear that freezes me
with the slightest touch.
But today I will fight the fear
and instead embrace the uncertainty,
see it as wondrous,
approach it with curiosity.
One step at a time,
moving forward.
Moving toward - not running from -
the truth.

Down

A day that started on a high note
taken swiftly down to the depths.
A harmless question reveals
a painful unknown
and disappointment surprises
then looms large.
Touch it, but don't cling to it.
Explore the newly formed hole
right there in the center of your chest.
Acknowledge it, accept it,
let it go or let it be.
Just don't let it be you.

Whirlwind

Dizzying pace the world has today.
Demands from all directions.
Easy to lose a whole day
in reacting, answering, giving.
Remembering, though, there is still another
who needs me...myself.
Take a pause, one moment, one breath
to create even a small space
and all will not be lost in the shuffle.

Feel the Breeze

So much wanting, missing, longing
so much of the time.
Feel it
then let it go
let it flow
onto the page
into the breeze
that I cannot feel
against my skin
when I seize up
and wrap the hurt
tightly around me.
Today when it comes
I will let my heart swell
but only for a moment.
And then I will exhale
and simply
feel the breeze.

The First Day

Stay open. Be here. Be new.
Every day I read these words,
but heed them not often enough.
Today begins anew,
with a challenge to use words,
my medicine,
to keep me open, here, new.
Emptying my mind,
filling the pages,
saving the thoughts
without having to cling to them.
Let them come, let them go.
And all this inspired by someone I barely know.
You never know who will change your life.

Stay the Course

I return to this Mary Oliver poem time and again when uncertainty sets in.

I lean on her voice when I cannot hear my own.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

-Mary Oliver

A Single Step to Start the Journey

Inhale. Exhale. Type.

I've been floating around the idea of this blog for some time now. I intend to use it as a place to keep record of words - both my own and those of others - that move me along the path. It is a path we are all following, yet many of us struggle to recognize it as our own. I've reached a point where looking down at my shoes and kicking up dust as I go along no longer suits me. It is time to walk with a purpose. Head high, voice steady and clear, heart wide open.  

I'll admit I have found it awfully difficult to start writing here. It's going far beyond my "usual self" to present the inner workings of my being anywhere other than multiple notebooks stashed hither and yon. But that usual self is feeling uncomfortable and restrictive as a more authentic self begins to grow from within. And so, to foster that growth and encourage it even when it feels impossible, I am putting myself out there in a form that rings true to my being: the written word.

I've been told that the magic happens outside your comfort zone, and it is magic that I seek.
So here I am, and off I go.